Total War
by Tastychainsaws
Summary: A rainy day spurs a handful of the witches of the 501st to play a board game a bit unlike normal ones. What starts as a friendly way to pass the time devolves into a viscous battle to conquer the globe. History, as they say, is doomed to repeat itself.
1. Before the Storm

**TOTAL WAR**

**A STRIKE WITCHES FANFICTION**

**By Tastychainsaws**

**Chapter 1: Before the Storm**

The sun did not shine. It was too wet to play. So the witches sat in the house. All that cold, cold, wet day. Shirley sat there with Lucchini. They sat there those two. And Lucchini said, "How I wish we had something to do."

Too wet to go out and too cold for an aerial brawl. So they sat in the base. They did nothing at all. So all they could do was sit, sit, sit. And they did not like it. Not one little bit.

_BUMP!_

And then something went bump! How that sound made them jump! They looked! They saw her! Hartmann had tripped; on her face she had fallen flat.

Next to her was a box, one that she had been holding. The author began actually writing this story, so the rhymes he would be withholding. Shirley sprang from her chair, since this was far more interesting than watching rain fall outside. She came to the fallen Ace's side and worriedly asked, "Are you okay? Nothing's broken or bleeding is it?"

"No, or, I don't think so." Hartmann groaned and sat up cross legged. "I was holding this big box here, so I tripped on the step there in front of the door."

"What's in the box?" Lucchini chirped, seemingly uncaring to Hartmann's faceplant.

"Some stuff from Karlsland." She explained. "My parents sent it in case I ever got bored and needed something to do. It's been raining so much, and there aren't any Neuroi around, so I'm starting to get bored."

"Us too." Shirley nodded. "What kind of fun stuff do you have in there?"

Hartmann got up and opened up the box with a small explosion of packing peanuts. "Well, for one there's the box itself. I think that's the most fun thing here. You can pretend it's a boat, or a fort, or a Panzer tank, or even Minna's-"

"Uh, I'm more interested in what's _inside_." Shirley cut her off, being that she had stopped finding entertainment in playing with boxes many, many years ago. "Are there any books or sweets in there?"

Lucchini groaned at the idea of books. "Books are even _more_ boring than watching rain. They'd just put us to sleep."

Without another word, Hartmann began digging through the packing peanuts to see what was inside. "Let's see… a college text book on thermodynamics, a collection of essays on theoretical physics and how they relate to crowbars, the latest issue of the Karlsland journal of science. Huh, it looks like my parents got confused; this should all be stuff for my sister. Wait, there's something at the bottom!"

The other two looked in awe as Hartmann dug out a board game still covered in cellophane wrapping. _Total War_ it was called, a game that simulated warfare and conquest between two sides referred to as the _Axis _and_ Allies_ in some kind of fictional setting where all the countries had different names. In this strange, and bizarre setting, there were no witches or Neuroi and the nations were fighting each other.

"Oooh, this looks fun." Shirley swooned as she read the back of the box. "Instead of Liberion they have some place call _The United States of America_, and instead of Romagna it's _Italy_, and instead of Karlsland it's _Germany_, _Poland_, and _Switzerland_. We should get everyone together and play this; it would be tons of fun!"

Hartmann looked over her shoulder and skim read the description of the game. "It does look kind of fun. I guess each player takes the roles of various made-up leaders and fight each other, or ally to fight the others. Lucchini, do you want to play?"

"Do I get to be on Shirley's team?" She immediately asked.

Shirley shook her head. "Looks like Italy in part of the _Axis_ which is fighting against my country. You would be with Karls- Germany and _Japan_, which is Fuso."

"I get to be on Trude and Yoshika's team? Well, alright, sounds fun!"

**ASSEMBLING THE PIECES**

**1931**

Those who were involved in this game, _Total War_ were Trude, Hartman, Yoshika, Lucchini, Eila, Sanya, Shirley, Lynette, and Perrine; each taking the roles of their respective countries. The game was a very complex one, involving many strategic elements ranging from troop management, and managing resources to fuel the war economy. Players had the option to research various military advancements, and every so often they had to draw from the deck of 'wild' cards just to make things interesting. The goal of the game was for one team, the axis or allies, to dominate the entire board or cause the opposing one to surrender. When taking nations, there was a plethora of options to what the player could do with the conquered territory. They could draft civilians into soldiers, force them all to work, murder them all to boost soldier morale, and for some reason the game even allowed for players to bolster national pride by committing genocide. But it wasn't like someone like, oh, say, Barkhorn would do that, right?

"Karlsland seems to be several states." Trude commented. "Germany, Austria, Poland… Hmm, I think I'll take this one Germany and be the leader here, Adolf Barkhorn."

"I guess I'll be this tiny, happy nation of Poland." Hartmann was content. "That makes me Erica Rydz-Śmigły, Marshall and highest military commander. Awesome."

"I'm Lynette Churchill, prime minister of Great Britain." Lynette announced.

"General secretary of the communist state of the Soviet Union, Joseph Sanya." The nighttime witch introduced herself.

"Simo Eila, hunter, defender of Finland." Eila added. Her nation on the board only had a single starting piece, a lone hunter. Everyone else had battalions of tanks, airplanes, artillery, and infantry; even navies.

"I'm Benito Lucchini, best pals of Fuhrer Barkhorn and Emperor Yoshika!" Lucchini happily declared.

Meanwhile, Yoshika sighed. "I'm all they on the other side of the map from you guys."

"Then it looks like it's just you and me." Shirley D. Roosevelt said.

"Let's not forget about me, President Perrine François Lebrun of the glorious nation of France." Perrine put in, lastly.

Shirley cleared her throat and said, "Okay, the game starts in 1930 and each turn is about a month. Now, let's agree to wait a few years before we just start attacking each other and plunging into total war. We should let everyone get a good military first so the winner is based strategic brilliance and not just numbers. So, uh, Eila you should have more than one soldier guarding your whole nation."

"Finland only needs Simo Eila." The silver-haired witch said, placing her boots up on the table and crossing her arms.

"R-Right." Shirley shuddered at her shady demeanor. "Okay, looks like Emperor Yoshika Hirohito goes first. Remember, use this time to start building your armies and-"

**September 18, 1931**

_The small nation of Manchuria was no match for the ten-thousand Yoshika army that stormed the streets armed with type-99 light machine guns, and type-30 bolt action rifles. Emperor Miyafuji was a cunning and shrewd leader, and knew the best way to control Manchuria would be to install a puppet government secretly controlled by her. The battle for Manchuria had been a simple one, with the climax of the invasion taking place at Nenjiang Bridge where Chinese soldiers had put up a fight. Fifteen Yoshika's out of the 800 Yoshika force had died. Emperor Miyafuji thought these were entirely acceptable losses. Now with Korea and Manchuria under her control, all that was left was Nanking…_

**TOTAL WAR**

"I attack Manchuria!" Yoshika exclaimed with gleeful savagery that frankly frightened everyone but Eila. She moved a handful of little soldier pieces up past the Koreas and rolled a handful of dice. "Yay! Manchuria is mine now!"

"Well, Manchuria wasn't controlled by a player, so I guess it's not that bad." Trude shrugged. "I like this kind of initiative from my allies!"

"That doesn't mean go and attack Austria right away." Shirley grumbled. "Seriously, let's not get straight into the warfare here. I heard this game is more fun if you let your empires grow."

"The assertion that it is the intention of the German Reich to coerce the Austrian State is absurd." Barkhorn scoffed.

**October 2, 1935**

_The world knew peace for four years following invasion of Manchuria by the Japanese. Italian ruler, Benito Lucchini was on good terms with the Emperor and had been inspired by her bravery and initiative. On that morning, the black-shirted Lucchini infantry division prepared for the attack, with nearly 680,000 infantry alone, and over 500 tanks with 200 aircraft. To the south they marched from Italian Somaliland into Ethiopia. _

_ The hundreds of thousands of Lucchini infantry began the invasion, rifles firing and pig-tails flying in the dusty winds of the desert. The Ethiopians had massed a sizable counterforce of 500,000 men, but the Lucchini army was vastly superior with their modern weaponry. When the dust had cleared and the cities had been sacked, a lone figure stood amongst her trusted soldiers._

_ Benito Lucchini with a hat upon her head and a pistol in her hand. She turned to her Lucchini soldiers, who just looked like her in Italian uniforms and said, "Go now and bring me all the sweets and breasts this country has to offer!"_

**November 1, 1936**

_Two figures stood in the Reichstag side by side looking past the well-kept lawns into the city of Berlin in Germany. Fuhrer Adolf Barkhorn and Benito Lucchini. Barkhorn was taller than the olive-skinned, green-eyed Italian, and had a very iconic looking mustache drawn on with pencil. She cleared her throat and said, "Lucchini, I heard about your assault of Ethiopia last month. Although the battle rages on, it is certain victory shall be in your grasp."_

_ "Yeah, they were no match for the armored Lucchini division!" Lucchini happily nodded. "Say, why'd you fly me out to Germany anyway?"_

_ "I have a proposal, Lucchini." Adolf Barkhorn stated. _

_ "Ooh, you wanna marry Hartmann?" Lucchini gasped._

_ "No! Not that kind of proposal!" Barkhorn shouted at her, all patience gone. "No you idiot, I'm saying we work together. Italy is a pretty good strategic point and I could use your help with… plans…"_

_ "Like how you're gonna annex Austria?"_

_ "Shh!" She shoved her hands over Lucchini's mouth. "There could be people listening in anywhere, don't just blab that kind of stuff out loud!"_

_ Meanwhile, a Barkhorn SturmTruden marched in with a clipboard and paper. The Barkhorn SturmTruden looked like her without the mustache, and wore German soldier uniforms. She cleared her throat and saluted her leader. "Fuhrer, the 5,000 cattle cars you commissioned are being built, along with the Zyclon B gas, and labor camps. The reprinting of your hit book, Mein Kampf was also successful and is now mandatory reading in school. Also, the Barkhorn Youth program, huge success!"_

_ If Benito Lucchini didn't know any better, Adolf Barkhorn was up to something!_

**November 25, 1936**

_ Once again, the Reichstag had a foreign guest. This time it was Emperor Miyafuji, the now honored guest of Adolf Barkhorn._

_ "Hiya Barkhorn-san!" Yoshika happily greeted her. "Why'd you fly me all the way out to Germany? Is it because you want me to pretend to be your little sis-"_

_ "No, no, no." Barkhorn cut her off. "I want to talk to you about the biggest threat to your nation. Communism."_

_ "Communism?" The Japanese emperor repeated the strange, new word._

_ "Yes. Communism." Adolf Barkhorn paced the room with her hands behind her back. Her boots clicked loudly against the ground as she spoke. "To my east and your north lies a dreadful and feared ruler. Joseph Sanya. She leads her people in a strange way, by… giving them equal shares! It's like socialism, which Germany is of course, but so much more vile and perverted! See, there's a reason that Finland has been fighting with them for years and had to claim their independence by force. The communists wanted to take Finland… give it out to everyone to share equally! Even the Jews!"_

_ "What do the Jews have to do with this?" Yoshika had to ask._

_ "Er, nothing." Adolf Barkhorn quickly faced the other way. "Anyway, I want to make an Anti-Cominterm pact with you! That way we can band together in case Joseph Sanya tries to… SHARE. What do you say?"_

_ "Well, I like Sanya-chan a lot, but communism sounds like a threat to my nation. I accept!"_

_ Barkhorn smiled and shook her hand. "Good, now if you excuse me, I have to go make a speech on the evils of Judaism."_

**TOTAL WAR**

"All this waiting around is starting to get boring." Lucchini groaned. "Let's start the fun! I attack Ethiopia with all my little plastic guys! Go! Go! Go! Pew pew pew, attack!"

Dice were rolled, and poor little Ethiopia was annexed to Italy. Lucchini gave one last cheer! "Yeah! Soldiers of Italy are second to none! Hmm, Barkhorn, why don't we make a pact so we don't start fighting over Austria or something?"

"Hmm good idea." Barkhorn nodded, and shook Lucchini's hand across the game table. "Let's call it the Rome-Berlin Axis. Also, let it be known that Germany neither intends nor wishes to interfere in the internal affairs of Austria, to annex Austria, or to conclude an Anschluss."

Hartmann spoke up as well, "Trudie, you have twice as many soldiers as me and Sanya is right there breathing down my neck. Can we sign a non-aggression pact too?"

Trude shook her hand as well and announced, "Germany has concluded a Non-Aggression Pact with Poland... We shall adhere to it unconditionally... we recognize Poland as the home of a great and nationally conscious people."

"Wow, she's really getting into character here." Eila commented.

"Yeah, but Germany has a lot of armies." Sanya pointed out in her normal, sleepy tone. "I'll probably get taken out of the game right away."

"Says the girl with the biggest country in the game." Eila patted her on the shoulder. "Look at me, I just have one single lone soldier defending Finland."

Perrine tapped Barkhorn's shoulder. "What about my nation? Are we on good terms as well? For someone who has so many soldiers, you want to make sure everyone is on the same side. You're not up to something, are you?"

"National Socialist Germany wants peace because of its fundamental convictions. And it wants peace also owing to the realization of the simple primitive fact that no war would be likely essentially to alter the distress in Europe... The principal effect of every war is to destroy the flower of the nation... Germany needs peace and desires peace!" Barkhorn replied with strange, enthusiastic vigor. She then turned to address Yoshika. "Miyafuji! I suggest we agree on a peace treaty so that the poisonous, communist view of Joseph Sanya does not harm either of us!"

"Okay!" Miyafuji happily agreed. "I'm way over here by myself, so any kind of backup would be great!"

**July 7, 1937**

_Flames burned across the city of Nanking, proud once, but now no longer. 100,000 Yoshika soldiers had stormed the city, blasting through the Chinese army's defenses with little trouble. They fought for Japan, they fought for Emperor Miyafuji, and most of all they fought for boobs!_

_Emperor Miyafuji herself had watched the massacre unfold with not even the slightest hint of remorse. Civilians and unarmed soldiers were dragged into the street in lines with the Japanese army waiting for orders. A Yoshika soldier approached the Emperor. She looked the same, except was wearing a Japanese soldier uniform. She gave a salute and said, "Your divineness, we've taken the city and rallied all the prisoners into the street. What are our orders?"_

_ Without thinking, Emperor Miyafuji replied, "Grope all the women, and leave none alive!"_

**TOTAL WAR**

Miyafuji finished moving more plastic pieces all over the entirety of China and cheered, "Yay, I beat China! Those people in Nanking sure put up a fight, but I don't think I'll have to deal with them anymore."

"This game is freakin' dark." Shirley said in shock at the level of detail that went into the things that could happen. The Japanese soldiers had gone into this land, China, and murdered just about every last man, woman, and child and instigating countless war crimes. Last she remembered, board games were supposed to be fun things for kids.

**March 11, 1938**

_The Austrian people were alive with cheer and joy as the tanks and soldiers of Germany rolled in through the border. Swastikas on banners were raised, all throughout the cities and the German army was met like they were a parade. The SturmTruden soldiers smiled and waved, although were a little disappointed at Austria's welcoming of them. A lot of them had been ready for a fight, to finally exercise all the training and use all the weapons Adolf Barkhorn had been amassing in secret._

**TOTAL WAR**

"I annex Austria." Trude declared when her turn came around.

"_OH, COME ON!_" Both Lucchini and Hartmann shouted in unison.

"You said you wouldn't do that!" Erica pointed a finger at her.

"Yeah, we had a deal!" Lucchini waved a fist.

Trude just shrugged smugly, "A leader must be strong. Now what else is here…"

**TOTAL WAR**

"You are _not_ having Czechoslovakia." Perrine growled. "Lynette, help me get heavy handed here, I don't want Barkhorn to just walk all over Europe. Each time she takes up a piece of the country, she gets more soldiers and resources!"

"M-Maybe we could have an agreement?" Lynette Churchill nervously squeaked. "Why don't we just give Barkhorn _part_ of Czechoslovakia so she's happy with her conquest?"

"That's a good idea." Lucchini chirped.

"I… would be okay with that, I guess." Perrine sighed. "You're not going to just take everything else, are you?

Boundaries were redrawn in Europe, and Adolf Barkhorn then had key military points of the once free nation added to her own. With that, she answered Perrine's question. "I have no further interest in the Czecho-Slovakian State, that is guaranteed. We want no Czechs."

**September 29, 1938**

_Four figures gathered in the conference room of the government building of Munich, Germany. The four were Lynette Churchill, President Perrine, Benito Lucchini, and of course Adolf Barkhorn. They had debated tirelessly about Germany's unprecedented annexing of Austria. After the Great War, Germany had been denied military privileges but after seeing the state Germany was in, it was clear this was not being upheld. While most of the world was in economic crisis, Germany was thriving under the quickly growing war machine._

_ "So, you're worried the German army is going to annex or take over __Czechoslovakia next_?" _Adolf Barkhorn summarized their meeting with a smirk._

_ "Our intelligence shows you're amassing armor and soldiers towards the border." Perrine pointed out, pushing her glasses up the rim of her nose. "We're here to help defend the Czechs, who have no defense against your power, Barkhorn."_

_ "Well, we had a proposal…" Lynette nervously spoke up. "M-Maybe you would be happy with just a little bit of the eastern border of the nation? Just some m-mountains? We know you're afraid of Joseph Sanya, so maybe this would help you defend."_

_ "Right, the mountains pose a strong tactical value." Perrine pointed out._

_ "And you have all of Poland and Hartmann guarding you too!" Lucchini added. "It's a good thing you and Hartmann are pals, right?"_

_ "R-Right." Barkhorn nodded, and quickly moved the war plans to attack Poland off a nearby table and into a drawer. "Hmm, I agree to this agreement. Call for a cartographer, it's time to redraw the maps of Europe once again!"_

**January 30, 1939**

_The Reichstag in Berlin was alive with commotion with thousands of German citizens arriving to hear Adolf Barkhorn's speech. Apparently the hot topic to warm up that chilly night was the state of the Jews. Now, unknown to the rest of the world (even Lucchini, Barkhorn's closest pal) Adolf Barkhorn had been doing certain… 'things'. Most of the economic problems in Germany had been blamed on the Jews, instead of gross hyperinflation and a weak market. Barkhorn claimed those things were the work of the Jews, and ever since she had started slowly taking away their citizen rights, the economy of Germany had gotten to the point where it was the single most powerful nation in the world. This had nothing to do with the countless jobs created from the war effort or the implementing of a successful fascist socialist state. It was clearly the fault of an ethnic minority group and not, say, the remnants of a horrible war twenty years ago._

_ Standing before the Reichstag on her podium, she began her speech…_

_ "In the course of my life I have very often been a prophet, and have usually been ridiculed for it. During the time of my struggle for power, it was in the first instance only the Jewish race that received my prophecies with laughter when I said that I would one day take over the leadership of the state and with it that of the whole nation and that I would then among other things settle the Jewish problem...but I think that for some time now they have been laughing on the other side of their face. Today I will once more be a prophet: if the international Jewish financiers in and outside Europe should succeed in plunging the nations once more into a world war, then the result will not be the Bolshevising of the earth and thus the victory of Jewry, but the annihilation of the Jewish race in Europe!"._

**TOTAL WAR**

"Pardon my French, but Barkhorn, what the fuck?" Shirley immediately responded to Barkhorn's speech. Hartmann, who had been sitting next to Trude, scooted away loudly, with Lucchini doing the same on the other side of her. The whole table was in shock at what she had said.

"What?" Barkhorn replied to their reactions. "Look at the stats of my nation! All my soldiers and workers get a huge morale bonus for having a hated enemy. I just picked the Jews because, hey, why not?"

"Looks to me like you're trying to commit genocide." Eila pointed out. "You're just being more subtle about it and more efficient than Ms. Murder Panties over there."

She was looking at Miyafuji.

"Eh? It's like what Barkhorn-san said! Morale bonus!" Miyafuji desperately replied.

Hartmann glanced at Trude and asked, "Wait, isn't your mother part Jewish? In fact, I remember her wearing a Star of David!"

Trude shrugged indifferent, "Quiet Poland, the adults are talking right now. Sanya, may I have a word with you in private regarding… plans?"

"Uh…" Hartmann blinked, suddenly realizing all of Trude's armies were close to the border of Germany and Poland. "Lynette, Perrine, may I have a word with you?"

**March 31, 1939**

_Gathering in London, the leaders of the three nations: Britain, France, and Poland met in secret. Erica was distraught, pacing frantically around the capital building of London next to her two allies._

_ "Guys, seriously, Trudie is after Poland! My soldiers are strong, but she has all those tanks and her SturmTruden are much better equipped. You have to help me!"_

_ "Well, I can't really march an army to help you…" Lynette Churchill told her with a bit of sorrow. "I'm really sorry, but there's not much either of us can do! Maybe we could let her take over Croatia instead like we did with part of Czechoslovakia?"_

_ "Not even Lucchini wants Croatia." Perrine reminded her. "That's saying something since she took Ethiopia, the land of mud huts and starving children."_

_ "I think she complained that Croatia kept stealing her country's fax modems." Hartmann said. "But, is there really nothing you two can do?"_

_ Perrine bit her lower lip, and then shouted, "Yes! We do need to take action! First it was Austria, then Czechoslovakia, and next it will be Poland. But where does it stop? For all we know, Trude will move on and attack France too! Lynette, let's make an oath! If Barkhorn tries to attack Poland, we will instigate war!"_

_ Lyn nodded in agreement. "Alright, Great Britain will declare war on Germany if Poland is harassed."_

_ "Thanks, you two are the best!" Erica, leader of Poland, gave a strong sigh of relief. "I know Europe is pretty big, but if she does attack I'm sure we could hold out for years and year against her!"_

**TOTAL WAR**

"Things are getting tense." Sanya quietly commented on the political landscape unfolding around the table.

"Really." Shirley shuddered. "Miyafuji is building up her navy over there and I'm the only target she has right now. Plus, I started with a stupid Great Depression and can barely make any units! This isn't fair, Eila over there gets plenty of resources and she just spends it all on making saunas for her solders!"

Eila shrugged. "It boosts troop morale without killing civilians."

Meanwhile, across the table, Lucchini rolled a handful of dice and cheered. "Yay! I took over Albania! Take that stupid Albania! Hahaha, stupid Albania didn't stand a chance… Say, Shirley, is Albania a real place?"

"I… don' know actually." Shirley scratched her head. "Perrine, is Albania a real place?"

"How would I know?" Perrine snapped at her, clearly not knowing either.

"Of course it's a real place you idiots!" Eila shouted from nowhere and slammed her fists on the table. Eyes were on her in surprise as she ranted. "I'm sick of this, Albania never gets any respect! It was part of both Greece and Rome, which were important!"

"Eila, I didn't know you felt so strongly about Albania." Sanya said in surprise.

"It's just…" Eila sighed and rested her head in her arms on the table. "I know what it's like to be the little guy nobody remembers and gets taken over to compete with Germany's land grabs and has a puppet government installed by the Italians. I've been there, man."

"There… there…" Sanya gently patted Eila's head. "It's just a game. Oh that reminds me, Barkhorn and I need to, uh, speak in private about something."

**August 23, 1939**

_Once again, a foreign leader met with Barkhorn in the sanctity of the Reichstag. This time it was a newcomer, the elusive and powerful Joseph Sanya. She stood beside Adolf Barkhorn looking down at a political map of Europe. Plastic figurines representing German SturmTruden and their panzer brigades were lined up against Poland's western border._

_ "So… I have your guarantee that your Red Sanya army will cripple Poland from the east as Hartmann will no doubt flee from my Western forces?" Barkhorn queried._

_ "Yes, my soldiers are marching across the Ukraine territory as we speak. It will take some time though." Sanya replied in a cold, flat, emotionless voice. "Now, about the territorial divides…  
"The Ukraine and half of Poland shall be yours following a successful invasion." Barkhorn replied without pause._

_ "And Finland? I know you have relations with them after helping them gain their independence thirty years ago."_

_ "What old German rulers did doesn't dictate how I act. Finland is yours for the taking." The German leader told her. "However, I must ask, aren't you rather close to the Finland's ruler?"_

_ Sanya sighed and looked the other way. "It's part of my plan, Barkhorn. Don't interfere."_

_ "Oh." Barkhorn raised her eyebrows in surprise. "Alright, you have my word."_

_ "Good. See you on the battlefield then." With that, Joseph Sanya turned and walked away, leaving Barkhorn just a little unnerved._

_ Under her breath, so that no other could hear, Sanya whispered, "I can take over Finland, make its old ruler my servant, and order her to kiss me on the lips…"_

**TOTAL WAR**

Barkhorn's turn came around, and she waited in silence for ten seconds as the rest looked at her.

"Well, what're you gonna do?" Shirley asked her, slightly impatient. Near her, Sanya's lips curved into a wicked, strange smile that was never seen on her.

Trude matched that smile, and announced, "I invade Poland."

Hartmann sighed and looked indifferent. "Well, I saw this coming from a mile away. Alright, I'll handle this like an adult. I have plenty of soldiers and cavalry units."

Lynette leaned over and whispered to Hartmann, "Erica, cavalry units can't even hurt tanks, and infantry get blown away by them."

Hartmann sighed once more and sniffled. "Oh. I see. This… changes things. The happy little nation of Poland will have to rethink things."

"Hartmann… are you crying?" Miyafuji gasped.

"N-No!" She lied. "Just have something in my eye."

"Like what?" Barkhorn smirked.

"Tears!" The blonde Karlsland witch cried. "I was really becoming attached to Poland, but if that's how you're gonna play it, then fine, bring it on!"

**TO BE CONTINUED!**

_**Author's Notes: **This is one of those stories that took an incredibly long time to write, since it was hard to come up with a joke for literally every last scene or dialogue exchange, which was what I was trying to do. I was inspired to write this by listening to the band Sabaton's album 'The Art of War'. I imagined the 501st fighting against one another with armies that all looked identical, and thought that would be a really funny premise for a story. I took it a step further and thought about the funny scenarios from the Civilization games, along with board games such as Risk and Axis and Allies. So, this story is kind of a mixture of all of those things which will probably get a lot funnier with the war truly starts._

_Also, Barkhorn quotes Hitler four or five times throughout this nearly word for word._


	2. Rage of the Reich

**TOTAL WAR**

**A STRIKE WITCHES FANFICTION**

**By Tastychainsaws**

**Chapter 2: Rage of the Reich**

**September, 1939**

_"GentleHartmenn, I stand before you with news most dire. Adolf Barkhorn and her SturmTruden have threatened the integrity of the borders of the happy little nation of Poland." Erica paced back and forth before her most elite soldiers in a secured bunker in Poland's capital city. "I feared this day would come, and the time to defend our land is now! Adolf Barkhorn may have greater numbers in her army, but soldiers of Poland are second to none! At the outskirts of the city, the battle has already begun!"_

_ A soldier bearing Hartmann's likeliness raised her hand. "Ma'am! If you don't mind me asking, what are we facing exactly?"_

_ "I'm glad you asked soldier!" Hartmann replied and waved someone out of the crowd up to her. The woman looked just like her, but had glasses. The Polish leader introduced her, "Soldiers, this is my dear sister, Ursula here to inform us of our strengths. Ursula, how fairs our airforce? They are going to be essential in this following battle."_

_ "Well…" Ursula pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose. "We couldn't afford to create any real fighters or bombers… so we trained pigeons to drop hand grenades on the SturmTruden."_

_ "Hmm, not a bad idea." Erica stroked her chin. "Pigeons are hard to shoot, and nobody suspects them."_

_ "Umm…" Ursula sighed and looked towards the ground. "The pigeons aren't strong enough to pull the pins, so the SturmTruden take the grenades, pull the pins, and throw them back at our soldiers. We never trained the pigeons to fall back or stop dropping grenades, so at this point we have hundreds of those little birds arming the enemy. This is proving to be quite disastrous because they're using those grenades to destroy any fortified positions." _

_ Erica gave a flustered sigh. "Whelp. Is our navy faring any better?"_

_ Ursula drew a photograph from her coat. It was a photo of a bathtub floating in a lake with a Polish Hartmann soldier in it, smiling to the camera man and waving. "This is our fleet admiral and capital ship."_

_ The Polish leader blinked and sighed again. "Our tank brigade?"_

_ "Bicycles with the lids of metal trashcans strapped to the side."_

_ Hartmann fell to her knees and raised her fists to the sky, "WHY DOES THIS COUNTRY SUCK SO MUCH?"_

**TOTAL WAR**

"This is evil, Barkhorn." Shirley commented at Trude rattling a handful of dice in her hands. The dice would be rolled and would determine the results of the Panzer brigade rolling into Poland. Erica had no chance of winning, being that she only possessed infantry with minimal artillery and aerial support.

"Let me just revel in my impending victory for a moment here." Barkhorn replied.

Lynette glanced over at Ursula Hartmann sitting next to her sister. She gave a wave and smiled, "Umm, hello. I didn't see you come in."

"Me and a few Witches are here to discuss some plans with Minna. I wasn't immediately needed so I came to help my sister with this game." Ursula looked downcast at the situation on the board. "But it appears that my sister is in a rather hopeless situation."

"Aww, don't say that." Miyafuji forced a smile. "If Barkhorn rolls all ones on the seventeen dice she's rolling, and if Hartmann rolls all sixes on the three dice she's rolling, then Poland could win!"

From across the table, a cold and uncaring voice whispered. "That won't happen." It was Sanya's voice. Her slender and pale hand pushed a tank brigade westward into Poland. "I attack from the east to support Germany."

Eila whistled, but didn't look surprised. "Wow, Sanya, you're even more cunning and dangerous than when we all played _Monopoly_."

The entire tabled shuddered at the horrible memories of that game. Long standing friendships had nearly fallen apart from the arguments and fights that stemmed from that game. Minna had played as well, and issued threats of court marshaling Lynette when her little metal dog landed on Lynette's four hotels on the boardwalk. Sanya had controlled all of one side of the board, and issues arose when Eila was giving her free passes on her own properties, but Sanya was not returning the favor. One pillow to the face later, the two did not speak for days.

"Well, roll your dice, Hartmann. Don't look too down, you _could_ win after all." Barkhorn smirked wickedly.

**September, 1939**

_ "That's the last of them!" A Hartmann soldier shouted as the last of the dozen or so SturmTruden was gunned down by her stationary Ckm wz.30 machine gun placed behind a wall of sandbags. Behind it was a trench full of solders, and their leader __Erica Rydz-Śmigły__ waiting to combat Adolf Barkhorn's panzer brigade. They were set up in the outskirts of Warsaw in a city street, a main one that they knew the SturmTruden would be riding through. Barkhorn's panzers had already blasted through all of Poland, and this was where they would make their last stand. So far, only a few scouts had moved forward, and had been mowed down effortlessly._

_ "Yeah, they're not so tough when we have a mounted machine gun!" Erica cheered. "We can deal with 500 SturmTruden a minute with this thing. Good going Private Hartmann, you're on your way to a medal! In fact, medals for everyone!" _

_ "You're too kind ma-"_

_ Private Hartmann was interrupted as a deafening explosion detonated behind their line. The scores of Polish soldiers in the trench were demolished by eruption of fire. Erica turned around and blinked at the carnage. "Pressed panties! What was that!?"_

_ "Ma'am… that would be German artillery dropping on us." Her right-hand soldier answered instantly. _

_ "Oh right, Trude can do that." Erica sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "I keep forgetting these things. Well, worry not, we still have our machine gun."  
"The machine gun jammed." Her gunner informed. The .30 caliber machine gun suddenly fell apart into smoking pieces that caught on fire for seemingly no reason. "And it broke."_

_ Erica gritted her teeth and drew a pistol. "We make our last stand here! Our soldiers are the best in the world! The only way that Trude could win is if she outnumbered us forty to one!"_

_ From down the road Erica and her soldiers were holed up in, a familiar voice shouted, "Give up, Hartmann! We outnumber you forty to one! Plus we have more tanks than times you've been court-marshaled!"_

_ Erica bit her lip and looked to her soldier before the ruined machine gun. She whispered, "That's a whole lot of tanks."_

_ "This is your last chance to surrender!" Adolf Barkhorn warned. From down the road, her and her brigade of Panzer tanks rolled towards the barricade. Barkhorn stood half way out of the hatch with pistol in hand. Just above the treads, SturmTruden rode on the sides with their MP-38's and mostly half-empty beers. _

_ "Why are they allowed to get drunk on duty when I'm not!?" Erica shouted to Barkhorn, waving her fist in anger._

_ "Because unlike you, they conquer nations overnight." Barkhorn boasted. "And behind me is the second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth Panzer divisions. They are the Panzer elite, born to compete, never retreat, living or dead, always ahead, fed by your dread-"_

_ Before Barkhorn could continue to rhyme, Erica raised her pistol and began firing while screaming, "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"_

_ Bullets ricocheted off the armor of the Panzer Barkhorn was in. She thought it was kind of funny until one such shot went through her hat. Barkhorn ducked inside the interior of her tank and looked to the driver (who looked like her in just a standard uniform). "I'll give you a promotion if you run her over."_

_ "Aye-aye!" The driver saluted and floored it. The other tanks took off behind theirs, riding on their heels while the SturmTruden all cheered. They fired their machine guns into the air, happily drank their beer while cheerfully shouting, "WHOO, BLITZKRIEG!"_

_ Tank shells were fired and entire buildings were reduced to rubble. Erica stood there, face blank as everything around her went up in flames. She remained expressionless as her machine-gunner pal took a salvo of machine gun rounds to the chest and was practically torn in half. She remained standing there until Barkhorn's tank stopped inches away from her face. Barkhorn climbed out the hatch and stood above her, looking down._

_ "Trudie…" Erica sighed, closing her eyes. "You're overdoing everything again. I think you're trying to compensate for something with all these tanks." _

_ She opened her eyes and glanced at Barkhorn's chest._

_ "W-Wha!?" Barkhorn gasped and suddenly covered her chest with her arms. "Wh-what are you saying!? That sort of thing doesn't matter in a battle. S-Six Panzer divisions do! That's over 2,400 tanks, Hartmann! W-Who cares if I don't have big boobs if I have an armor division like this!?"_

_ "2,400? I've been court-martialed more times than that." The blonde Polish leader pointed out._

_ The German leader suddenly spun around and shouted to the tank crew, "As soon as we get back to Germany, build more tanks!"_

_ "Trudie, you have problems." Erica deadpanned and turned around. She casually walked to the nearest building and found a Polish tank: a bicycle. "Have fun breaking things. I'm gonna go hide in Romania until your ego subsides."_

_ "H-Hey, where do you think you're going!?" Barkhorn shouted to Erica as she rode off on her awesome bike. Erica replied by honking the bike's horn and continued down the street. She made to the first intersection a block away before a tank coming from the east blindsided her. _

_ She was knocked several feet off her bike, which was crushed under the treads of this new tank. Dazed and bruised, the small little blonde blinked confusion out of her eyes and looked up to see what had crashed into her. It was not a German tank. The hatch opened and a girl with skin like snow and hair like silver climbed out. She leapt down beside Erica, boots clicking loudly on the cobblestone. Erica looked up and saw her: Joseph Sanya._

_ "My, my, my…I had hoped for more of a fight than this." The Russian leader spoke in a cold, chilling voice that was devoid of any sort of empathy. It was the voice of a ruthless conqueror. She smiled mischievously and patted Erica's head in a mocking manner. "As agreed upon in our treaty, Adolf Barkhorn and I shall be splitting Poland down the middle."_

_ "Ugh, you can have it…" Erica groaned. "This whole country sucks."_

_ "That matters not." Sanya said with a wave of her hand and turned to face Barkhorn. "This is merely a stepping stone on my march north to rightfully claim Finland. It was nice working with you, Barkhorn."_

_ "Keep your evil communist ways on your half of Poland and we'll get along fine." Barkhorn told her with a satisfactory smile. She retrieved a piece of white chalk from her breast pocket and kneeled down. "Okay, let's just split Poland down the middle right here. But I get all the Jews on your side exchange for all the _Red Lobster's_ on my side, deal?"_

_ "Deal." Sanya agreed, thrilled at the prospect of eating at _Red Lobster _every day of the week_.

**TOTAL WAR**

"Well, you're out of the game, Hartmann." Shirley said. "Even if Sanya hadn't had flanked you, there's no way you could have beat Barkhorn's Panzer brigade. Nice rhyme by the way, did you come up with that yourself?"

Barkhorn blushed and looked the other way. "Y-Yeah. All by myself."

Meanwhile, Heartmann sighed and pushed away from the table. She looked to her sister and pouted, "Well, thanks for your help sis, but it looks like Poland is now being used as a staging ground for something Trude is calling 'Ethnic Cleansing'."

"W-What are you talking about!?" Trude blurted out.

"I mean your plans for these concentration camps and stuff your wrote down on this napkin." Erica pointed out; lifting up a napkin she had stolen from Barkhorn. Detailed plans for the eradication of the entire Jewish race were written on it. Strangely enough, all the names on it were of real places and not the fictional ones of the board game. Furthermore, it also detailed how Barkhorn could rise to power as dictator of Karlsland by starting the Karlsland Socialist Worker's Party.

Barkhorn reached over and snatched the napkin out of Hartmann's hand, shoving it into her coat pocket. "Stay out of my things! This is just doodles I did while waiting for my turn, this has nothing to do with anything at all!"

From across the table, Perrine cleared her throat to get their attention. "Ahem. While Barkhorn's thinly disguised genocidal tendencies are indeed a problem, Lynette and I have a treaty to uphold. The glorious nation of France declares war on Germany. Now, to make this a fair fight, I request you wait several turns for Lynette and me to pool resources. Like a proper duel we shall meet on borders and-"

"What are you talking about?" Barkhorn cut her off. "My Panzer brigades are just going to steam roll through tiny little France. "

"Wha-?" Perrine blinked in surprise. "T-That isn't fair though, I have the largest ground army, but we certainly don't have tanks like that! Not to mention a proper defense against blitzkrieg tactics."

Hartmann muttered at Perrine, "Oh cry Poland a river. My air force consisted of pidgins and my tanks could just be run over by other tanks!"

"W-Well, t-that's different." Perrine began backpedaling. "N-Now, now Trude, I'm sure there is some way we can come to an agreement. Why don't you just take Croatia and we'll call off this war."

Trude crossed her arms and frowned. "I don't _want _Croatia. _Lucchini_ doesn't want Croatia."

Lucchini hung her head and pouted, "Why am I the standard for low standards?"

Shirley reached over and patted her head, "There there. You can come to the United States if things get too hairy in Europe. Nothing's happening over by the Pacific, besides Yoshika stomping on China's face."

Yoshika shrugged indifferently, "Meh, China's not controlled by a player."

Perrine finally gave a frustrated sigh and asked aloud, "Tsk, where is Lynette anyway? She is supposed to be my ally!"

A weak, scared voice came from under the table, "I don't want to go to war with Germany!"

"Then Germany will simply annex Great Britain." Barkhorn smugly declared. "It's not like Lynette Churchill is a well-love leader or respectable military strategist anyway."

"Huh?" Lynette stuck her head out from under the table at her side of the board. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means nobody will be surprised when you give up." Trude smirked. "Remember when we played that similar board game? The millions who died under you in your trench warfare campaign; and let's not forget about the disaster of yours that was Gallipoli."

Everyone at the table went silent. Nobody brought up Gallipoli around Lynette Bishop. Just like the Monopoly incidents, the previous board game they had played was much like this one, only set some twenty years in the past. They had nicknamed that game, "The Great War" after a conflict spanning all nations had broken out. Gallipoli was a campaign Lynette had led to capture Constantinople, which had been a crushing defeat with a staggering rate of casualties.

The Britannia girl gritted her teeth and glared daggers at Barkhorn. "So that's the way it is? This is just like real life, Karlslandian. You can have all the brute force in the world, but it means nothing if you can't hit me. Look at this…" She pointed to the map. "The English Channel. Think you can get your precious Panzers over it to Britain? Think again. You have ground superiority, but I have the world's strongest aerial presence."

Meanwhile, Eila sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, "Jesus Pogo-sticking Christ, it's happening again. Every board game. Every single board game. Monopoly ends in court marshals; Great War ends in tears; Chutes and Ladders got Shirley punched in the face; and don't even get me started on what happened with Candy Land. I just want to say, Lucchini, what you did in that Peppermint Forest was unforgivable."

"I couldn't get out. I just kept pulling green cards…" Lucchini whimpered.

"What I'm saying is that I just want a normal board game without problems." Eila stressed. "Even you Sanya. You turn into something scary when put into a position of power like this."

"No I don't." Sanya instantly shook her head, eyes quickly darting back and forth. "S-So what if I want Poland?"

Perrine spoke up once again, quite flustered, "W-What about France here? Can't someone back me up? Lynette, where's your air force?"

"Ehh…" Lyn reluctantly shrugged. "I don't know Perrine, I'm really sorry but helping you doesn't seem to be in Britain's best interest."

Nearly panicking, Perrine looked to Lucchini, "F-Francesca!?"

Lucchini upturned her nose and pounded her fist with Barkhorn's. "Axis power. Deal with it."

"Yoshika!?"

"Other side of the globe, sorry." Miyafuji remorsefully replied.

"Yeager!?"

"Neutral power."

"Eila, y-you'll help, right?" Perrine was practically begging. "You know what it's like to be the underdog, you said it yourself! France would gladly welcome aid from the wonderful nation of Finland!"

Eila shook her head, and crossed her arms. "Nope. I still have agreements left over from our last game. Trude helped Finland back then when _somebody_ thought invading me would be a fun idea."

Her eyes focused on Sanya.

"M-My intentions were pure!" Sanya blurted out, cringing at the memories of her last failed campaign against Finland. All she wanted then was to make Eila kiss her on the lips. It was all she wanted now, but this time, victory was within her grasp.

A flash of precognition entered Eila's mind, and suddenly she saw a glimpse of the future. She suddenly sat up straight and spoke seriously, "Sanya, don't even think about it. Look, I love you and all that, but attacking Finland is not going to end well."

"I'm sorry, Eila." Sanya whispered, and began turning all her armies and tanks in Finland's direction. "It's something I have to do. Germany won't help you this time."

Eila sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose again. "Well, if you're going to be that way…"

She reached in her pocket and dumped a handful of soldiers onto Finland on the board. "Stealth soldiers. I bought a bunch of these little guys. No roads either, so you tanks won't work. I get bonuses from nationalism, inspiration, and fighting on the home front as well."

Sanya's eyes went wide. Suddenly an easy victory was looking like a looming defeat. She couldn't back down now though, not with so much on the line. The smile Eila made when she revealed her trap was so beautiful Sanya almost squealed like a little child. It was a reminder of what she was fighting for…

**November 30, 1939**

**Border of Finland**

_"Warm summers in the countryside; being snuggled up next to a cozy fire in a rustic pub in Helsinki… Shooting filthy Russians in their stupid faces when they try to take those things away… Ah, life in dear Suomi is quite grand." Simo Eila smiled gently to herself as she cleaned out the barrel of her M/28-30 Pystykorv rifle. There were no telegraphic sights on her rifle, just simple iron ones. It was all she needed. Beside her was a pair of skis as well, for a quick getaway in the snow._

_ She sat atop a mound of snow with a few dozen of soldiers who, like all the other the armies, looked like their respective leader. One of the ones nearby was checking to make sure her Suomi KP/-31 was good to go. She glanced over at the real Eila and asked, "Our history with Sanya goes far back. What do we do if we find her on the field?"_

_ "Keep her alive." Eila replied, slinging her sniper rifle over her shoulder. "The rest? Well, show them some good ol' Finnish hospitality."_

_ "So take them out drinking, to the sauna, and finally a naked snowball fight until the polar bears roaming the streets chase us away?"_

_ "Yeah, something like that." Eila chuckled to herself. She cleared her throat and clapped her gloved hands to get the attention of her fellow soldiers there. "Ahem! We're the preliminary ambush force here. Our goal is to break the spearhead of the Russian war machine before it can drive into the heart of Finland. They have their fancy tanks kicking our front door, and we won't receive support from our own for at least a few weeks; along with aerial support. However, we have an advantage. Look around us. What do you see?"_

_ Miles and miles of high snowfall and evergreen trees, as far as the eye could see._

_ "This isn't even including the lakes and mountains that cover most of our land. Their tanks have to follow –our- roads, and many of them are covered in snow. What does that mean? Means they're going in a straight, predetermined path. A predetermined path a certain someone has lined with explosives and mines."_

_ "A certain someone, whom?" One of her subordinates asked._

_ Eila gave a cocky smile and crossed her arms. "Just a certain someone I happen to know. Let's just say we go way back."_

**TOTAL WAR**

"Oh, flippin' sweet I love this game!" Said Nikka Edvardine Katajainen from over Eila's shoulder. "Ilu, you totally have to let me play!"

"No." Eila crossed her arms, not quite appreciating her nickname being used so informally. That didn't stop her from using Nikka's, "Nipa, why are you here, where did you come from? I'm trying to have a moment with my little plastic soldiers here."

"Oh, I'm here with a bunch of other witches. You know, important stuff. The 502nd let me come because they said I needed to get off the base." Nipa explained.

"That was nice of them." Sanya put in.

"Yeah… about that…" Nipa gave a sheepish smile and scratched the back of her head. "See, I sort of… accidentally crashed my Striker unit into our oil drums near the hangar and sort of burned most of it to the ground."

Suddenly, Hartmann shouted and pointed to Barkhorn. "_See_! I'm not the only one who's ever done that! You kept saying, 'Oh Hartmann, nobody else could do something so stupid except you!' Look at her, she's dumber than me!"

"Uh…" Nipa took a step back, frowning.

Barkhorn retaliated to Hartmann, "You fell asleep while flying! She just has… flight problems or something. Very expensive flight problems, as Minna puts it. You, on the other hand, are just lazy!"

"Well, I'm still not the only one who's crashed like that, for the record." Hartmann smugly stuck her nose up.

"Why are you still here Poland? You lost, your country is gone!" Trude waved her fist.

"Because I'm part of Germany now!" She happily exclaimed, and shoved Trude over to share the same seat. "Let me command your air force, I'm totally good at that sort of thing. My mom calls it something like 'savant autism', I don't know."

"She what?" Shirley blinked from across the table.

Barkhorn grumbled something under her breath than reluctantly sighed, "Fine, if only because I have so many armies to manage, that I could use a hand. Just… try not to drool on the board and… for the love of god, why are your hands so sticky!?"

"Been eatin' _Snickers_. Want some?" Erica pulled out a handful of wrapped candy bars. They said fun-sized, but if they were really fun they'd be like 10-12 times bigger.

"No, get those away from me!" Barkhorn slapped them out of her hand. "A Karlsland soldier does not eat _Liberion_ candy!"

From across the table, Shirley smirked, "Your loss. _Snickers_ is pretty much the best candy bar ever made. Actually, come to think of it, Lucchini and I had a stash of them we got in Rome. They disappeared a few days ago and…"

Hartmann shrunk in her seat, looking the other way as Lucchini was under the table collecting the fallen candy bars.

Barkhorn continued ranting, "As I was saying, we do _not_ eat Liberion candy. If you want sweets, Hartmann, I have these old ration chocolates here. They're just as good and much healthier. Besides, aren't you allergic to peanuts anyway?"

Hartmann gave a small sneeze. "Not fatally." She took the unmarked chocolate that Barkhorn opened and tore open the wrapper. Everyone blinked in surprise as then a ghostly cry of the damned came from the candy, and the ghost of a long dead soldier was released from it. Nobody really addressed this, but the obvious question was still asked.

"Uh… which war are these rations from?" Erica had to ask.

"Does it matter? Food is still food! Karlsland makes rations so powerful and lasting that we hardly ever have to manufacture more. If really must know, these are from the Thirty Year's war."

Lucchini suddenly chimed in. "That war is the reason why I don't want Croatia to be part of Italy. Let's face, their kingdom just did not do their part in securing the sanctity of the Holy Roman Empire."

"Croatia?" Eila suddenly raised an eyebrow. "Look at Norway and Denmark back then. They practically let Sweden walk all over the Nordic countries for centuries to come!"  
Sanya quietly asked, "Eila… wasn't Suomus fighting with them?"

Meanwhile, Hartmann tossed the death candy beneath the table. If someone found it and ate it, then she'd probably be charged with manslaughter.

"Were we?" Eila scratched her chin.

"Yeah… we were." Nipa answered from behind her. "Oh yeah, now I remember the whole point of this scene! Eila, someone's here to meet you! I'll tell her you're busy playing a board game and being a jerky mcjerkface who doesn't let other people be Finland for her."

"Nah, I know who you're talking about." Eila leaned back in her seat. "Send her on in, she's cool. She can be Finland too."

"W-What about me?" Nipa asked, hurt and betrayed like someone had taken shotgun when she called it.

"You break everything, Nipa. I can't have Finland being co-run by someone like that. Look, you broke the door on the way in!"

Sure enough, the door into the room was in a pile of wood, which was beginning to catch fire.

"F-Fine!" Nipa exclaimed, and suddenly shoved to make room in Perrine's seat. "I'll be… whatever this country is!"

"I don't even know who you are!" Perrine shouted, trying to push her away.

Nipa remained there, "Me and whoever I'm sharing this seat with declare war on Finland."

"Fine!" Perrine stood up, "You get to deal with _her_ Panzer brigade!" She pointed to Barkhorn.

"Eh?" The soumus witch blinked and stared at the board.

"Like my tanks." Barkhorn smirked. "They're the Panzer elite, born-"

Hartmann put her hands over her hears. "Noooo! Not again!"

**TO BE CONTINUED**

_**Author's Notes: **__Alright bros (fuck you, women don't read my stories) next chapter is the Winter War and the Invasion of France. This period of the war doesn't have much political stuff, so sadly I wasn't able to have as many scenes like I did last chapter. Ah well, I think this came out paaasable._

_Now to explain the joke: Barkhorn's little stupid rhyme is the lyrics to the band Sabaton's song 'Ghost Division'. I'm mainly pointing this out to say I don't take credit for it._

_Also, if there was anything that you really liked, or made your laugh or whatever, make sure to leave a comment/review. Alerts, favorites, reviews, I like all that good stuff._


	3. The Bloody Isthmus

**TOTAL WAR**

**A STRIKE WITCHES FANFICTION**

**By Tastychainsaws**

**Chapter 3: The Bloody Isthmus **

"_With molotov coctail in hand  
No fear of their tanks  
Death or glory_"

_-Talvisota_ by _Sabaton_

_"Welcome young adventurers! Gather around with your swords and cloaks held close as I enlighten thee of a tale treasure that could be yours! For I have within my possession a map to the treasures held by the great demi-lich Acererak in his frightening tomb of horrors! Barkhorn the mighty warrior; Lucchini the cunning thief; Miyafuji the expert healer; and Eila the needs-to-share Finland wizard! Are you all ready for an adventure of a life time!?"_

**TOTAL WAR**

"First of all: no." Eila crossed her arms at Nipa. "Second of all, we're not playing _Dungeons and Dragons_. Put the dice away."

"Aww come on, this will be way more fun!" Nipa exclaimed, rattling a handful of dice. "You can even be the wizard, Ilu! Don't you wanna cast magic?"

"I can cast magic in real life." Eila made two circles with her forefingers and thumbs and linked them like a chain. She put her hands behind her head and revealed them again, this time without linking them. "Alakazam."

From across the table, Lucchini gasped. "Eila! T-That was amazing! Teach me your wizardly ways."

"Some other time, Francesca." Eila replied, interacting with her directly for the first time in all of _Strike Witches_. "This is getting dumb. Sanya, grab your six sided dice and let one of the many battles for Finland begin."

Sanya nodded and grabbed her handful of dice. With a dead serious look on her face, she exclaimed, "I won't lose!"

"Oh, yes you will…" Eila whispered. She shook the dice in her hands and paused to see the future of how they would land. If the result was undesirable, she would simply start shaking them to try again. She supposed she could win the whole game that way, but that wasn't what she was after. Glory was no substitute for honor.

"So… we're not playing _Dungeons and Dragons_?" Francesca looked down at the character sheet she had made for her thief, Blackleaf.

"No." Eila answered.

"Yes." Nipa replied simultaneously.

Meanwhile, Barkhorn sighed, "Is this all some ploy to buy time for the inevitable German domination of all of Europe? I mean, uh, besides my Axis pals here." She bumped fists with both Lucchini and Miyafuji. "Hmm, who will I conquer after France? Denmark? Norway? Oh the possibilities."

Neutral Charlotte Yeager exhaled through her nose. "Uh, good luck Perrine, Lynette. Just gonna stay neutral over here."

"Lynette, this is your last chance to help me!" Perrine declared to Britain's leader. "If you do not oblige and send me reinforcements, I will be forced to take action in the event I am able to stave off Germany."

Hartmann chuckled, "Yeah, good luck with that."

"That doesn't really seem to be in the best interest of the people of Britain." Lynette replied a little uneasily. "See, public support for France is at an all-time low. When polled on opinions of France the general consensus with negative, and now my people are asking, 'Why be French?'."

"They have a point." Shirley nodded.

"Why be French!?" Perrine gasped. "What kind of response is that!? There are plenty of reasons to be French!"

Lucchini looked to Shirley and giggled, "Yeah, like saving money on deodorant and women's razors."

The two of them had to suppress a series of giggles.

"Hey, shut up you two!" Perrine exclaimed. "I will have you know that we French, or, Gallian I mean, bathe and shave regularly. Besides, nobody in 501st has any pubic hair to begin with. Which is quite odd might I add being that this is 1944."

"Can we change the topic?" Eila asked. "As much as I would love to discuss pubic hair with you all I just… I don't even have a way to finish this sentence. Can we get on with this game?"

"I have pub-" Lucchini began to say.

"_Can we get on with the game?_" Barkhorn quoted Eila.

Further stalling the game and the part with the Winter War that people were actually interested in, Perrine turned her desperation to Shirley. "You! You have plenty of military reserves! You have to help France! Who will give you French Fries otherwise!?"

"You mean, _Freedom Fries_?" Shirley smirked, eating some French fries she had recently acquired. "Besides, cash n' carry, Perrine. You want arms, armor, and artillery? You gotta come get it."

"But there's no way I can cross the Atlantic in that time!"

"Hey, you should have thought of that sooner before you decided to make deals with Poland. No country has ever benefited from being friends with Poland."

"That's for sure." Barkhorn muttered, still sharing a seat with Hartmann and her candy.

Perrine finally began to lose it. "Fine! That's it! Out of my chair… whoever you are."

"Nikka Edvar-" Nipa began to explain.

"I didn't ask." Perrine forced her to scoot her batoot. "Okay Barkhorn! I accept your challenge honorably, even if you're cheating with your stupid tanks."  
"Finally." Eila and Barkhorn said simultaneously.

The Suomus girl reached for some dice. "First, _first_, the battle for my own country begins."

**December 4****th****, 1939**

**Fifteen Kilometers out from the Mannerheim Line**

_"This is strike team, Väinämöinen, moving into position." Eila, the actual Eila, and not her identical pals, spoke quietly into the radio to the three other strike teams setting up for the first ambush. "Ready to break the spear."_

_ "Joukahainen in position." She heard the voice of another team leader speak._

_ "Iku-Turso here." A slightly different spoke, a little deeper than Eila's. "Explosives primed, fuckin' ready, and totally rearin' to blow some shitting communist tanks back to the motherfucking stone age."_

_ "Well spoken." Eila replied with a roll of her eyes. It was so hard to find good help these days, but she couldn't quite complain._

_ The final strike team spoke up, "Sniper team Louhi here. All ready."_

_ "Call sign is Höyryjyrä." Eila informed them. "If you hear any stutter over that word, shoot first, ask questions later."_

_ "Got it." Joukahainen replied._

_ "Rodger." Louhi confirmed._

_ "I'm fucking itching to hear someone screw that word up." Iku-Turso laughed._

_ "Alright, everyone get ready then. Spy planes say we got about thirty minutes before the enemy moves into the kill zone. Keep the leader alive, I repeat, you are not to kill Sanya. If the insurgence gets too hairy, I'll sound a retreat back to the Mannerheim line. We didn't spend twenty years making that thing for nothing."_

_ It was a cold, cold winter that December in Finland. With guerilla tactics the focus here, many of the Finns were dressed lightly, prepared to cross country ski their way back to the defensive line where over a hundred thousand supporting soldier awaited them. Hiding amidst the snow, their white uniforms made them nearly invisible to the advancing Kirpichnikov division._

_ They hid in the snow and listened as Russian voices spoke, nearly drowned out by the sounds of tank treads crunching over snow._

_ "…And I say, that's no potato, that's my mother in law!" One Russian soldier (who looked just like Sanya) finished her lame joke to another as they walked alongside the Kliment Voroshilov tank that lead the twenty more behind it._

_ "Do-ho-ho, what a delightful joke." The other soldier chortled merrily. "Gee, if only Finland weren't so dastardly cold; pardon my vulgarity. It would be so fine otherwise."_

_ Criticize Finland will you… Eila thought as she gritted her teeth in frustration. She had the sudden urge to just open fire while screaming, "DIE YOU RED WHORE DIE DIE DIE DIE!" but decided against it as that would most likely jeopardize the battle; or at least get her shot at. Instead she calmly chirped like a bird. After a second, another soldier did the same, and then another…_

_ "Oh, how lovely." A Russian chimed. "The birds are singing us a song. How strange, they all seem to be chirping at ground level and I don't see any-"  
The Kliment Voroshilov behind her suddenly exploded as satchel charges were detonated. The ground shook and rumbled under the explosion and the sound of bolt action rifles scream as the ambush began. _

_ "Ambush!" The one who had told the bad joke screamed, before suddenly realizing in shock that the satchel charges had removed both of her legs below the knees. From the ground, she saw her pal's jaw blow clean off in a bloody fountain of gore as bullet after bullet purchased a time share in her body. The snow around them was as red as their army._

_ Tanks suddenly stopped and began maneuvering to keep their most armored parts facing the way bullets were coming from. It didn't take them long to figure out where the fire was coming from and return in full with their F-34's and DP machine guns. _

_ Eila found herself scrambling for cover behind a cozy little fir tree. Her ears were ringing from gunfire and explosion from both the tanks and the rest of the satchel charges detonating one after another. She heard them going off further down the road, meaning her demolition's expert had set them all off early._

_ Well this is already a disaster, she thought with some degree of calm clarity. It was time to fall back and hit them again when their tanks were scattering pieces of them all over the snow in little red giblets. She grabbed the shoulders of a nearby soldiers and screamed directly into her ear, "Where is our radioman!?"_

_ The soldier pointed closer to the road where the upper part of the soldier in question resided with at least one of arm still mostly intact. Where the rest of her had ended up was anyone's guess._

_ "We're getting fucking MURDERED!" She heard one of her soldiers scream from nearby as she scrambled through the snow, holding her own severed arm that a DP machine gun had taken clean off. A pretty little trail of red followed her._

_ Another threw her rifle down, "Our guns aren't doing fucking SHIT to those tanks!"_

_ "Get across the road!" Eila ordered. "Regroup with Iku-Turso and Louhi. Iku has more satchel charges somewhere in this forest! M-32s and other fun things too. Just get us across that road!"_

_ "I don't know if you noticed ma'am…" One of her soldiers replied before pausing to lean out of the cover of the snow bank she was behind to fire off a few covering shots from her rifle. She dropped one Russian trying to keep small-arms fire off the nearest still functioning tank. "…but we blew up a whole five of their armors. That means there's still another fuckin' twenty shooting-"_

_ "I know what it means!" Eila shouted at her. "Smoke grenades you idiot, give us a field to move through!"_

_ "Aye-aye, ma'am! You heard her, girls, give us some cover through that road!"_

_ They moved up parallel to that road there, and to their satisfaction, they had managed to sew some chaos into the Red Army. Russians were scattering under the fire from all directions. The tanks were racking up more kills with every shell they fired against the Finns, already Russians were scrambling for the forest to get out of the kill zone.  
The road before the tanks was suddenly blurred with white smoke from the grenades put down. _

_ "Move! Move! Move!" Voices shouted as several dozen of them scrambled to make it to the snow banks and trees across the road. Thank God, the tanks spearheading the line were flaming ruins, and soldiers were trying to rescue the tank crews inside. Little did Eila know, but Sanya had nearly been killed in one of those satchel explosions. The front line of the tank brigade was being reinforced, with Russians taking shots into the smoke._

_ Of course it would have been impossible to make it across the road without any casualties. Finns were cut down by the Russian suppressive fire. A DP machine gun from the first tank that had gone up in flames was still operational, and was being used to hammer hell on them._

_ One such soldier suddenly stopped when she saw her friend take a salvo of machine gun fire to the legs, blowing apart her knees and sending her face first into the snow and mud. She reached down to try and help her up when another soldier pulled her away, screaming, "Leave her!"_

_ She hesitated to do so and found a half dozen bullets entering through her back, sending her guts and intestines exploding outwards through her belly as she fell half-dead on top of her disabled friend, pinning her._

_ That was the worst, Eila later thought. Not when her soldiers were killed, but when they were just wounded so badly all they could do was writhe and moan in agony until they finally bled to death however long later._

_ As they crossed that road, they knew the score of soldiers lying in the mud there weren't all dead. There was no time for the wounded at this point._

_ Free from the Russian machine gun fire, they rendezvoused several dozen meters into the forest. The fighting had scattered all over the forest there, but Eila and her team were able to regroup with team Iku-Turso. Team Joukahainen was completely broken and scattered on that other side of the road, totally pinned down by tank fire. _

_ Eila found the soldier in charge of demolitions, and was not happy to see her. Not that she could really voice her opinion as the chatter of gunfire and screams reigned supreme over all other noise. Just by sheer topographical coincidence, the snowdrifts had formed a neat little spot for them to hide in. It was like a crater that provided cover from all sides. Some were using it to get a good vantage point to fire back at any Russians who strayed too close; while others were using it to hide and reflect over how much they really needed those limbs and fingers they may have lost._

_Some tried to consider the positives in all of this. If you lost a hand, now you saved half off on gloves. If you lost a foot, you now had to pay old only 50% on new shoes. That opened up a lot of options in fine footwear as the previously unobtainable financially suddenly because a very realistic option._

_ The demolitions expert sat merrily atop a crate of explosives, sipping brandy from a bottle. Unlike the rest of Finland, she did not look like Eila. Instead she was taller, bustier, and had slightly shorter and wavier hair that was darker than Eila's._

_ "Aurora." Eila addressed her sister, Aurora E. Juutilainen. "You said you were a good demoman, not that you suffered from premature detonation! What makes you a good demoman if you muck up a whole ambush!?"_

_ Drunkenly, she stood up and swaggered over to Eila with bottle in hand. She ranted, "What makes me a good demoman? If I were a __bad__ demoman I wouldn't be sitting here, discussing it with you, now would I?! One crossed wire, one wayward pinch of potassium chlorate, one errant __twitch__... and KABLOOIE!"_

_ "Aurora, how drunk are you?"_

_ "How drunk am I!? How drunk are you!?" She raised her bottle up just to have the bullet of a Russian sniper blow it into jagged shards. Aurora blinked and held the broken bottle neck and waved at the direction she thought a sniper was shooting her from, "I hate you bloody campers! Everybody bloody hates you campers!"_

**TOTAL WAR**

"Who is this very loud, drunk Suomus girl standing next to you, Eila?" Shirley asked in regard to the sudden newcomer with a bottle of brandy in her hand. No Russian sniper had shot it out of her hand; not yet at least.

"Name's Aurora!" The newcomer shouted and slammed her fist down on the table hard enough to rattle the little plastic pieces on the board. "I'm Eila's big sis! And, like… don't even bother telling me your names, I'm so drunk I've already forgotten this."

Eila's face burned red. "Everyone. This is, uh, my sister here. She's a witch too."

"I didn't know you had a sister." Sanya was amazed. "How come you never told me?"

Hartmann cringed and winced, "Don't say it…"

"Please don't say it…" Barkhorn said as well.

"She's gonna say it." Lucchini sighed, sadly.

Eila said it, "You never asked."

"I don't know what I was supposed to ask." Sanya pouted; a little disappointed she didn't know this little fact about Eila. "Plus you said you were an only child."

Eila grinned sheepishly and scratched her chin. "Hmm, I did say that didn't I? It's easier that way, because people don't ask me questions about it."

Aurora slammed her fist down and enthusiastically agreed. "I fucking know, right!? Like, I say, 'oh my little sister is Eila Ilmatar Juutilainen' and then they start asking, 'oh you mean the one with all the medals and the Mannerheim Cross? Well Aurora, why don't you got a bloody Mannerheim Cross?' and I reply _Suksi Vittun!_ And then they usually shut up."

"Why _don't_ you have a Mannerheim Cross?" Nipa asked, still wanting to be a Dungeon Master.

"Because I don't want some bloody cross." Aurora retorted. "Eila has one, I've seen it, and it's rubbish."

"It's not rubbish." Eila pouted. "Sanya, is it rubbish?"

"No, well, mostly not." Sanya replied, a little hesitantly.

"Mostly not?" Eila blinked. "We're getting sidetracked on tangents again. Sanya, why do you have to attack Finland? Why can't you settle for Estonia instead?"

Sanya crossed her arms and frowned. "I don't _want_ Estonia. _Lucchini_ doesn't want Estonia."

"Actually I wouldn't mind Esto-" Lucchini tried to say.  
"See, not even her." Sanya nodded.

Lucchini sipped her coffee mixed with rum and narrowed her eyes, keenly muttering, "Gettin' _real_ tired of this."

Miyafuji finally said something as well, "So, Aurora-san, what do _you_ do?"

"Me? Well, I'm a tank witch." She replied while giving Yoshika a thumb's up. "I got a promotion and now I'm part of an elite strike force that has to recover downed witches. Top notch priority stuff!"

"That's amazing!" Yoshika said, really just squealing '_Sugoi!_' which was Fuso for, 'Cool story, bro'.

"Actually…" Eila chimed in. "It's a demotion. She crashed her tank strikers into a fuel depot and blew them up."  
"We have a lot in common." Nipa whispered to Yoshika. "In Suomus witches aren't allowed to fly over fuel depots or the ground crew is authorized to start filling the sky with flak while targeting you with anti-air guns."

"That's horrible!" Yoshika squealed.

"I know!" Aurora exclaimed. "And don't even get me started on those stupid fucking anti-tank mines they got all over the place. Jeez, you blow up three little fuel depots and it's all anti-tank mines and barbed wire! I call these people the Fun Police." The Suomus witch reached into her breast pocket and produced a pack of cigarettes and lighter. She lit a smoke and took a comfortable drag. "Well, long story short, niggas, I'm here for that witch meeting thing but…" She took another drag. "…I'm just wantin' to get out of Suomus and the below zero weather all the time."

"Did you just call us 'niggas'?" Shirley blinked. "You're from Europe, have you ever even _seen_ a black person?"

"Nope." Aurora answered.

"Me either." Eila admitted.

"Or me." Sanya put in.

"N-Not in person…" Barkhorn sheepishly admitted as well.

"I was not aware they were actually real." Lucchini said with incredulous crossed arms. "Shirley, are black people real?"

"Yes." Shirley deadpanned. "Lucchini, black people are real."  
"Hey!" Aurora spoke up. "Don't any of you start thinking I'm racist or something like that. I don't mean the term 'nigga' in a disrespectful way. 'Nigga' is just another word for 'ignorant motherfucker'. Anyone of any race can be an ignorant motherfucker, know what I'm sayin'?"

"No." Barkhorn replied. "I have no idea what you're talking about or who you are. Who is this?"

"Eila's sister." Sanya answered. She looked around for a moment and asked. "Where is Eila anyway?"

Erica answered. "She's mortified so she's hiding under our chair in embarrassment. She also ate that ancient chocolate bar I left down there."

"Hartmann!" Eila whined from beneath her. "You no-good little... you blew my cover!"

Erica shrugged. "You should have made a better offer."

Sanya sighed as well. "Eila get off the floor so we can finish this battle."

"I think Eila needs to go the hospital." Yoshika spoke up. "That candy bar was probably septic."

Eila stood up. "Nonsense, Miyafuji, I feel as healthy as a horse."

A trail of blood ran down from her nostril.

**December 15****th****, 1939**

**The Mannerheim Line**

_"Kaboom." Eila unenthusiastically said as she watched a tank shell explode in the ice from what had to be the worst tank crew in history. Beside her, a soldier looked through her binoculars and sniggered at another bad miss._

_ The Mannerheim line was a stretch of defensive bunkers, barbed wired "no-man's lands" and tank traps between several lakes. Fighting took place here in the snowy fields and frozen lakes while guerilla fighting took place further east several kilometers off in the forests. Over two weeks of guerilla warfare and winter fighting had broken up the Russian tank brigades entirely. All semblance of cohesion was lost as the tanks were scattered and stranded across the ice and forests._

_ From the coziness of their bunker, Eila and seven others watched as one tank crew, trapped mostly in ice, tried desperately to line up a shot on their position._

_ "Someone's coming with a Norsupyssy." Their radiowoman informed the other seven. "Scout's said there's four more armors coming up to support their trapped little friend."_

_ "Boo." Another soldier pouted. "This is too fun. Let's make a drinking game! We all guess how far their miss will be, and the person furthest off takes a shot! Quick, let's see how drunk we get before the support arrives!"_

_ "Tell them to bring more booze." Another told the radio girl. "We're gonna need a lot for this game."_

_ "Shut up you idiots." Eila felt her patience thinning over the course of this battle. "You're keeping sober for this, all of you. You can drink when Finland isn't getting shelled by tanks."_

_ "If they can even hit Finland." One of her soldiers chuckled to herself. _

_ "Yeah, yeah." Eila rolled her eyes. "This crew sucks, but all it takes is one good shot and we're all dead. The faster that gun gets here the better."_

_ "So what's the plan?" She was asked._

_ "Keep 'em held here until the pressure is off. Then we pack up and help some of our sisters down the line."_

_ Meanwhile, the radiowoman tampered with the frequency. Static crackled, bits of radio chatter with copious amounts of "Vittun!" filled the cold air until the radio settled onto something more tangible. It was some station near Viipuri broadcasting the song Ieven Polkka sang by a group of girls with a lovely voice._

_ "Ooh! Turn it up!" One of the Finns laughed and grabbed another's hand. She pulled her out of the bunker into the ice and snow and locked arms with her. They danced to the music despite being open targets. When the two other soldiers arrived with that anti-tank gun, they took a moment to join in the fun._

_ Across the snow, the Russian tank crew stopped firing and watched in awe as the Finns danced, mocking them. The joke was on them, another infantry battalion was moving up to provide support_.

**December 16****th**** 1939**

**Munasuo Swamp, The Mannerheim Line**

_Mistakes had been made for both parties, Sanya definitely believed. Her tank and infantry battalion blasted through the weakly defended Munasuo swamp in mere hours and were currently marching for Summa were a more defensed line was. If their intel was correct, their current force was much more capable than the defending Finns. Once their line was broken, a secure road to Finland would be secured where more suitable tank tactics could be used to take cities, as Adolf Barkhorn had done with Poland._

_ However, elsewhere, things weren't going well. The damned Finns were deeply entrenched, and their fighting spirit was something even Sanya had respect for. None if it mattered, since Eila would definitely surrender once they rode straight into Helsinki and took it. Their Mannerheim line was certainly something. Sanya didn't appreciate the constant stream of radio chatter about tank crew after tank crew after tank crew being demolished. It was always something. Trapped in ice, mortared, hit with Molotov's or anti-tank guns… Their infantry fared worse. Finnish ambush points were scattered all over the region and the casualties were being stacked three to one in Finnish favor._

_ But it was like Sanya predicted, none of it mattered when the lines would be broken. More tanks would come. Tanks won wars, Barkhorn had certainly proven that. The hard part was just getting them where they were useful, and not in this awful frozen wasteland._

_ Residing in her cozy tank with the rest of her crew, Sanya felt quite confident with their force of twenty armor. Other crews were scattered all over the place, and with a bit of cohesion, this western push could win them this battle. Their target past Munasuo was the village of Summa. _

**TOTAL WAR**

A little pale, Eila wiped blood from her nose and stared at the board intently. The border of Finland and Russia was a mess of chaos as multiple units had breached her defenses. She held the line strong, letting guerilla fighters take out whatever made it past Mannerheim.

"Sanya, did you consider the consequences of losing?" Eila spoke up, her voice very dour and dark.

"I won't lose." Sanya insisted.

"Just saying, hypothetically. What if you lost and _somebody_ over there took advantage of your scattered numbers, and weakened strength?" Eila's eyes moved towards a certain _somebody_.

Barkhorn quickly made her tanks face another direction that wasn't Russia. "What are you talking about?" She asked as innocent as she could. "Communism is something I'm totally fine with and don't hate like I do Judaism. I mean… oh, did I say that out loud?"

"You did." Hartmann deadpanned, scooting away from her even though they were in the same chair.

Barkhorn cleared her throat. "_Actually_, my plans don't involve Russia at all. Speaking of my plans, Lucchini, would you mind speaking to me in private?"

"Again?" Lucchini groaned. Every time they spoke in private it was in the janitor's closest and it smelled like mildew in there. Still, she accepted and followed Barkhorn in so they could plan in secret.

**December whenever**

**Reichstag in Germany**

_Benito Lucchini clanked her champagne glass against Barkhorn's in toast. She sipped the fancy drink and got straight to the point. "So Perrine is a naggy bitch and we're going to take over France, right?"_

_ Barkhorn blinked, taken back by her directness. "Well… t-that's one way of putting it. You see, I have lots of tank but France has a powerful ground army. I figured once my bearing are in order, and once Nordic countries are ceded to Germany as well, I say we come knocking on her door."_

_ "Won't that like… start a world war?" Lucchini asked. "Like when we invaded those other places and there were secret treaties and…"_

_ "Treaties, schmeaties, it's not like anyone could oppose us." Barkhorn said with a wave of her hand. "Psh, I bet you I could take Russia even."_

_ "Well, I don't know about that…" Lucchini's sipping became a bit more worried and slow. "I know you're having a power trip and loving your tanks and genocide, but maybe you should ease off on the warmongering. 'Cause you know Shirley and Lyn are gonna get mad if you keep pushing other countries around."_

_ "And do what? Shirley is on the other side of the Atlantic ocean!" Barkhorn exclaimed._

_ "Yeah but-"_

_ "And you have my help!" Miyafuji added in, drinking a juicebox instead of liquor. "Even if I'm on the other side of the world, I'm proud to be part of your guy's team!"_

**TOTAL WAR**

"Guys…" Lucchini groaned as she sat in the mop bucket in the janitor's closet. "These private meetings and cool and all, but we need to host them elsewhere. Plus I think Hartmann is listening under the door."

"I just wanted to be involved." Hartmann said from under the door.

"That's a problem for later." Barkhorn replied, smushed against Miyafuji. Miyafuji was enjoying this, mostly. "Come on, let's go see how this Winter War thing is wrapping up…"

**To Be Continued…**

_**Author's Notes- **__I don't know what tonal consistency is fuck you. No editor this time around because nobody wants to be involved with this project._


End file.
